The short answer to what not to do when getting a divorce: don’t make financial, digital, or parenting moves on emotion before you understand how a court will read them. Divorce compresses years of consequential decisions into a few months, and many of them cannot be undone once the decree is signed. The mistakes below are the ones that cost people the most money, custody time, and credibility.
Don’t Hide Assets or Ignore Your Spouse’s Disclosures
Both spouses are required to make full financial disclosure, and judges who catch a lie have wide discretion to punish it. Penalties range from awarding the entire hidden asset to the honest spouse, to ordering the dishonest spouse to pay the other side’s attorney fees, to fines and sanctions. In the worst cases, false financial disclosures lead to contempt, perjury, or fraud charges. Forensic accountants and discovery tools find exactly the kinds of moves people think are clever: money parked with a friend, a business valued at a fraction of its worth, a brokerage account left off the schedule.
The reverse mistake is just as damaging. Signing off on a settlement without carefully reviewing your spouse’s disclosures can lock you into a deal built on incomplete information, and unwinding it later is expensive and uncertain. Pull credit reports on both of you, request complete recent tax returns, and have your attorney subpoena records if anything looks off.
Don’t Make Rash Financial Moves
Big financial decisions during a pending divorce attract scrutiny. Buying a car, liquidating investments, running up credit cards, or draining a savings account can all look like dissipation of marital assets, and courts treat that harshly. Innocent intent doesn’t erase the timing.
Many courts issue automatic temporary orders at the start of a case that freeze the financial status quo. These typically prohibit transferring or hiding assets, changing insurance beneficiaries, taking on new debt beyond ordinary living expenses, or canceling insurance. Not every state issues them automatically, but where they exist, violating one can bring contempt, fines, or an order to reimburse the other side’s legal fees. Where they don’t issue automatically, the other attorney can ask for one, and most judges grant it.
The safest rule: don’t make any financial move larger than your normal monthly spending without clearing it with your attorney first. That includes well-intentioned moves like paying down the mortgage early or gifting money to family. The court is dividing a static pool, not chasing where things went.
Don’t Overlook the Tax Side of the Split
Property transferred between spouses as part of a divorce settlement is not a taxable event. The receiving spouse takes over the original cost basis as if it were a gift.1GovInfo. 26 USC 1041 – Transfers of Property Between Spouses or Incident to Divorce That carryover is where people get tripped up. A retirement account worth $200,000 with a $50,000 basis is not the same as $200,000 sitting in a savings account. When the receiving spouse eventually sells or withdraws, they owe tax on the difference. A “50/50 split” that ignores embedded tax liability isn’t actually 50/50.
The marital home carries its own trap. An individual filer can exclude up to $250,000 of gain on the sale of a principal residence; a married couple filing jointly can exclude up to $500,000.2Office of the Law Revision Counsel. 26 USC 121 – Exclusion of Gain From Sale of Principal Residence Selling before the divorce is final while you can still file jointly may qualify you for the larger exclusion. Selling afterward drops it to $250,000. For couples with significant equity, timing the sale around the decree can save tens of thousands in capital gains.
Alimony has flipped. For any divorce or separation agreement executed after 2018, alimony payments are not deductible by the payer and not taxable to the recipient.3Internal Revenue Service. Topic No. 452, Alimony and Separate Maintenance For the paying spouse, that means payments come entirely from after-tax dollars, which changes what you can realistically afford. Pre-2019 agreements modified later can fall under the new rules if the modification expressly says so.4Internal Revenue Service. Alimony, Child Support, Court Awards, Damages
Don’t Finalize Without a QDRO for Retirement Accounts
Retirement accounts are often the largest marital asset after the home, and dividing them wrong is one of the most expensive mistakes you can make. Employer-sponsored plans like 401(k)s and pensions are governed by federal law that overrides whatever your divorce decree says on its own. A plan administrator will not transfer benefits to a former spouse based on a decree alone. You need a separate court order, a Qualified Domestic Relations Order, and the plan administrator has to approve it before any transfer happens.5Department of Labor. Qualified Domestic Relations Orders Under ERISA – A Practical Guide to Dividing Retirement Benefits
Procrastinating on this paperwork is where the real damage happens. Once the divorce is final, going back to fix retirement issues becomes extremely difficult. If the order isn’t entered and approved while the case is active, the plan participant could take distributions, change jobs, or retire, and the plan has no obligation to protect your share.
One worthwhile detail: if you receive retirement funds through one of these court orders and take the distribution directly from the plan, the 10% early withdrawal penalty does not apply, regardless of age.6Office of the Law Revision Counsel. 26 USC 72 – Annuities; Certain Proceeds of Endowment and Life Insurance Contracts You still owe income tax, but the penalty exception is a meaningful saving. Roll the funds into your own IRA first and then withdraw, and the exception no longer applies. Order of operations matters.
Don’t Assume the Decree Protects You From Joint Creditors
A divorce decree can assign a joint credit card balance to your spouse, but the credit card company isn’t a party to your divorce and doesn’t care. Creditors chase whichever account holder is easier to collect from. If your ex stops paying a joint debt the decree assigned to them, your credit takes the hit and the creditor can come after you for the full balance.
Handle joint accounts before the decree is final, not after. Freeze joint credit cards so no new charges post. Pay off and close joint accounts where you can. For accounts where your spouse is only an authorized user on your individual card, call the issuer and remove them. Larger debts like a mortgage can’t just be closed, so if the agreement assigns the mortgage to your spouse, it should include a firm deadline for them to refinance into their name alone. Until that happens, you’re still on the loan.
One trap worth knowing: opening new individual credit before the divorce is final can backfire. Depending on your state and timing, new debt taken on during the marriage might still be classified as marital debt subject to division. Clear new accounts with your attorney first.
Don’t Let Your Health Coverage Lapse
If you’re covered under your spouse’s employer plan, that coverage ends when the divorce is final. The plan administrator removes you, and a gap in coverage leaves you exposed to catastrophic medical costs.
Federal law treats divorce as a qualifying event that entitles a former spouse to continue coverage through COBRA for up to 36 months.7Office of the Law Revision Counsel. 29 USC 1162 – Continuation Coverage COBRA only applies to employers with 20 or more employees.8Office of the Law Revision Counsel. 29 USC 1161 – Plans Must Provide Continuation Coverage Many states have “mini-COBRA” laws covering smaller employers, often for shorter periods. Under COBRA, you pay the full premium plus an administrative fee, up to 102% of the plan’s cost.9U.S. Department of Labor. Continuation of Health Coverage (COBRA) That’s usually a steep jump from your employee contribution, but it keeps you on the same plan with the same doctors while you line up something longer term.
The deadline is unforgiving. You have 60 days after the divorce to elect COBRA or enroll in a plan through the health insurance marketplace.10HealthCare.gov. Getting Health Coverage Outside Open Enrollment Miss the window and you’re waiting for the next open enrollment period, potentially months. Build COBRA premiums into your divorce budget and the deadline into your post-decree checklist.
What you cannot do is stay on your ex’s plan by not reporting the divorce. That’s insurance fraud, and it can mean denied claims, demands to repay benefits already covered, and legal exposure.
Don’t Forget Beneficiary Designations and Estate Documents
Most states automatically revoke will provisions that benefit a former spouse once the divorce is final. Most is not all, and the revocation typically covers only the will. Beneficiary designations on life insurance, retirement accounts, and bank accounts are separate instruments, and many survive a divorce unless you change them yourself.
Retirement accounts are the sharpest version of the problem. Federal law governing employer-sponsored plans overrides state divorce-revocation statutes. If your ex is still named on your 401(k) or pension, the plan administrator pays them when you die, regardless of what your will or decree says. Courts have upheld this repeatedly. Fix it by updating every beneficiary designation after the divorce is final: retirement accounts, life insurance, transfer-on-death bank accounts, trusts. While you’re there, update your powers of attorney and health care directives so your ex no longer has authority to make financial or medical decisions for you.
Don’t Put the Kids in the Middle
Using children as messengers, venting about your ex in front of them, or pumping them for information about the other household does real psychological harm. High parental conflict is consistently linked to anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems in children. Judges also notice. Custody decisions turn in part on each parent’s ability to support a healthy relationship with the other parent, and badmouthing your ex signals the opposite.
Introducing a new partner too early is another common misstep. There’s no universal rule on timing, but doing it while the divorce is pending almost always works against you. It signals instability to the court and adds emotional pressure on children already processing a major change. Wait until the divorce is final and the new relationship is stable.
Don’t Hand the Other Side Evidence
Anything you post on social media can and will be used against you. Vacation photos undermine claims of financial hardship. Posts about a new relationship inflame custody disputes. Private messages venting to friends end up screenshotted and submitted as exhibits. During a divorce, assume everything digital is discoverable. Post nothing about the case, nothing about your ex, and nothing that contradicts positions you’ve taken in court.
Hostile communication with your spouse creates the same problem. Angry texts, threatening voicemails, and accusatory emails become exhibits. Judges reading through months of messages form opinions about each party’s temperament. Keep communication with your spouse businesslike and factual. If you need to vent, call a friend or therapist.
Recording Conversations
People going through divorce often want to record calls to build evidence. Under federal law, you can record a conversation if you are a party to it or one party consents.11Office of the Law Revision Counsel. 18 USC 2511 – Interception and Disclosure of Wire, Oral, or Electronic Communications Prohibited But roughly a dozen states require all parties to consent, and recording without that consent is a crime in those states. Confirm your state’s rule before you hit record. An illegally obtained recording won’t just be excluded; it can expose you to criminal charges or civil liability.
Destroying Evidence
Deleting text messages, shredding financial documents, or wiping a hard drive during divorce proceedings is spoliation, and courts punish it severely. Sanctions include an adverse inference, where the judge presumes the destroyed evidence would have hurt the party who destroyed it, plus monetary penalties and attorney fees for the other side. If you’re unsure whether a document or file might be relevant, keep it. The consequences of destroying something important are far worse than the consequences of producing it.
Don’t Violate Temporary Orders or Miss Deadlines
Temporary orders during a divorce cover custody schedules, support payments, use of the marital home, and financial restrictions. Violating any of them, even in ways that seem minor, can bring contempt charges, fines, reimbursement of the other party’s legal fees, and in serious cases jail time. Courts can also tighten existing orders when they see a pattern of noncompliance. The judge watching how you handle temporary orders is the same judge who decides your case.
Procedural deadlines matter just as much. Fail to respond to a divorce petition on time and the court can enter a default judgment, granting the other spouse’s requests on property, support, and custody with no input from you. Late financial disclosures, missed discovery deadlines, and no-shows at hearings all signal that you’re uncooperative or indifferent. Neither impression helps.
Don’t Move Out Without a Plan
Leaving the marital home feels like the obvious first step, but doing it without legal advice can hurt both your property claim and your custody position. Moving out doesn’t forfeit your ownership in the home, but it creates a status quo that courts tend to preserve. If your spouse stays with the children and establishes a routine, a judge may be reluctant to disrupt it. The parent who left can end up with less custody time simply because the other parent became the default primary caretaker.
The financial side matters too. Paying rent on a new place while still responsible for half the mortgage doubles your housing costs overnight. Courts weigh each spouse’s financial situation when setting temporary support, and voluntarily inflating your own expenses doesn’t earn sympathy. Get clear advice on how moving out will affect custody, support, and your claim to the home before you pack a bag.
Don’t Rush the Settlement or Go It Alone
Wanting the divorce over with is understandable, but signing unfavorable terms to end it faster is one of the most common and most expensive mistakes. Settlements are hard to modify after the fact. Property division is typically final once the decree is entered, and even support changes require showing a substantial change in circumstances. An agreement you signed exhausted could govern your finances for years.
Going through the process without an attorney is the extreme version of the same mistake. The upfront saving is real, but unrepresented spouses routinely overlook retirement account division, miss tax consequences, fail to spot hidden assets, and agree to support terms that don’t match their actual needs or obligations. An experienced divorce attorney knows what a fair settlement looks like in your jurisdiction and catches problems that aren’t obvious the first time through. Even in an amicable, uncontested divorce, having a lawyer review the agreement before you sign is worth the cost.