When you sit down for divorce mediation, the agreement you walk away with will only cover what you remembered to raise. The mediator keeps the conversation moving, but they will not advocate for you or flag the issues you forgot. Knowing what to ask for in divorce mediation means arriving with a specific list: a detailed parenting schedule, child support that accounts for extras and inflation, spousal support with clear end dates, a property division that factors in taxes, continued health coverage, life insurance to secure support obligations, and a plan for who claims the kids on taxes. The rest of this guide walks through each one.
Prepare Before You Walk In
Gather the paperwork first. Bank and investment account statements, recent tax returns, pay stubs, retirement account balances, property deeds, mortgage statements, and credit card bills. You cannot divide what you have not inventoried, and you cannot spot a hidden asset without a baseline.
Then rank your priorities honestly. Most people have two or three things they care about deeply and a longer list of items they would trade for the right concession. If keeping the house matters more to you than the retirement account, know that going in. Mediators find creative solutions when both sides are clear about what they value most.
Ask for a Detailed Parenting Plan
Vague parenting language is the single biggest source of post-divorce conflict. If a provision does not answer who, what, when, and where, it will generate a fight. Spend the time nailing down specifics at the table.
Physical Custody and the Schedule
Ask for a schedule that spells out the regular weekly rotation, weekends, every holiday, school breaks, and summer. Do not leave Thanksgiving, winter break, or birthdays to “we’ll figure it out.” Name the parent who has Thanksgiving in even years, who gets the first half of winter break, how birthdays rotate. December arguments start with November vagueness.
Ask for a right of first refusal. Before either parent hires a babysitter or hands the kids to a relative for an extended block, that time gets offered to the other parent first. It keeps both parents involved and prevents a child from spending the weekend with a near-stranger when the other parent was available.
Legal Custody and a Tiebreaker
Legal custody is separate from where the kids sleep. It covers major decisions about education, healthcare, and religious upbringing. Joint legal custody is common, but ask what happens when you disagree. Some agreements require mediation for deadlocks before either parent can act alone. Others name one parent as the tiebreaker for a specific category, such as medical or educational decisions. Without a dispute mechanism, a disagreement about which school your child attends can send you back to court.
Relocation and Communication Ground Rules
Ask for a relocation clause. If either parent wants to move beyond a defined distance, the agreement should require advance written notice and either the other parent’s consent or a court order. Without it, one parent’s job transfer can upend the entire schedule. Set the communication channel too, whether that is a co-parenting app, email, or text. A written record protects both sides.
Ask for More Than the Base Child Support Number
Every state uses a formula based on parental income, the number of children, and the custody split. The mediator will typically run those numbers. That formula only sets the baseline, and the real negotiation is around everything the baseline does not cover.
Ask who pays the children’s health insurance premiums, and how you will split unreimbursed medical costs such as copays, orthodontia, and therapy. Spell out childcare, extracurricular fees, and any contribution to college savings. These items can run to hundreds of dollars a month on top of base support, and if you do not resolve them in mediation, you will fight about every invoice.
Ask for a review clause. Child support orders do not automatically adjust for inflation; the dollar figure stays fixed until someone files to change it. Build in a scheduled review every two or three years, or tie increases to a published inflation index. It costs far less than a modification motion later.
Ask for Clear Terms on Spousal Support
Spousal support helps a lower-earning spouse transition after the marriage ends. The amount and duration turn on the length of the marriage, each spouse’s earning capacity, and the marital standard of living. A short marriage might warrant a year or two of rehabilitative support to cover retraining. A long marriage with a significant income gap can justify support lasting many years.
Negotiate more than the monthly number. Pin down when payments end. Common termination triggers include the recipient’s remarriage, cohabitation with a new partner, or a specific date. If you are paying, you want clear termination language. If you are receiving, make sure the agreement addresses what happens if the paying spouse loses a job or retires: can they reduce payments on their own, or do they need to go to court?
Know the tax rule. For divorces finalized after 2018, alimony is no longer deductible for the payer, and the recipient does not report it as income.1Internal Revenue Service. Topic No. 452, Alimony and Separate Maintenance A dollar of alimony now costs the payer a full dollar, which often pulls support amounts down compared with pre-2018 agreements.
Ask for a Property Division That Accounts for Taxes
Everything acquired during the marriage is generally on the table: the house, bank accounts, investments, vehicles, furniture, and business interests. Debts work the same way. Full financial disclosure is not optional. Hidden assets poison settlements.
The House
You have three realistic options: one spouse buys the other out, you sell and split the proceeds, or one spouse stays in the home temporarily (often until the youngest child finishes school) and sells later. Each has different consequences. A buyout requires refinancing the mortgage in one name. A sale raises capital gains, though federal law lets you exclude up to $250,000 in gain, or $500,000 for a joint return in the year of sale, if you lived in the home at least two of the past five years. If one spouse moves out but the other stays under the divorce decree, the one who left still gets credit for using the home for purposes of that exclusion.2Office of the Law Revision Counsel. 26 USC 121 – Exclusion of Gain From Sale of Principal Residence
Retirement Accounts
Retirement savings are marital property, and dividing them the wrong way creates an avoidable tax bill. Employer plans like 401(k)s and pensions require a Qualified Domestic Relations Order to transfer funds to the other spouse without penalties.3Internal Revenue Service. Retirement Topics – QDRO: Qualified Domestic Relations Order The QDRO tells the plan administrator exactly how much goes to whom. Without one, the plan will not release funds to your ex, and money leaving the account can be taxed as a distribution to you.4U.S. Department of Labor. QDROs – An Overview FAQs
IRAs do not use QDROs. You transfer IRA funds directly from one spouse’s account into a new IRA in the other spouse’s name, provided the transfer is required by the divorce agreement. Done correctly, there is no tax and no penalty. Done incorrectly, the account owner is taxed on the full amount as a withdrawal, plus a 10% early withdrawal penalty if under 59½. Make sure your agreement specifies the correct transfer mechanism for each type of account.
Digital Assets
Cryptocurrency, online brokerage accounts, payment app balances, and valuable social media accounts are marital property that people routinely forget. If either spouse holds Bitcoin, Ethereum, or other digital currencies, identify them, value them as of a specific date, and divide them. The same applies to PayPal or Venmo balances, loyalty program points with real cash value, and NFTs. Crypto is particularly easy to hide, so if you suspect undisclosed holdings, raise it with the mediator early.
Embedded Tax Liability
Federal law treats property transfers between spouses as part of a divorce as non-taxable events. No capital gains tax is owed at the time of transfer.5Office of the Law Revision Counsel. 26 USC 1041 – Transfers of Property Between Spouses or Incident to Divorce But the person receiving the property inherits the original cost basis. If your spouse bought stock for $10,000 and it is now worth $100,000, you owe nothing when it transfers, but you will owe capital gains on the full $90,000 of appreciation when you sell. An asset that looks like $100,000 is worth less after taxes. Account for that when comparing an investment account against cash or home equity, not just the headline value.
One timing point: transfers must occur within one year of the divorce or be related to the cessation of the marriage to qualify for tax-free treatment.5Office of the Law Revision Counsel. 26 USC 1041 – Transfers of Property Between Spouses or Incident to Divorce Do not let the paperwork drag.
Ask About Health Coverage and Life Insurance
If you are on your spouse’s employer-sponsored health plan, divorce is a qualifying event under federal COBRA law, and you have the right to continue that coverage for up to 36 months.6Office of the Law Revision Counsel. 29 USC 1163 – Qualifying Events7Office of the Law Revision Counsel. 29 USC 1162 – Continuation Coverage The cost is the full premium plus a 2% administrative fee, which can run $600 or more per month. Ask who pays for COBRA during the transition, or whether the cost is folded into the spousal support calculation. You have a 60-day window after the divorce to elect coverage, so build the deadline into the agreement so no one misses it.
Ask for life insurance to secure support. If you are receiving child support or alimony, those payments disappear if the paying spouse dies. The agreement should require the paying spouse to maintain a policy naming you or the children as beneficiaries, in an amount sufficient to cover the remaining obligation. Because the obligation shrinks over time, a decreasing-term policy keeps premiums reasonable. Specify that the paying spouse cannot change the beneficiary or drop the policy without written consent.
Ask Who Claims the Children on Taxes
Only one parent can claim a given child in a given year. The default is that the custodial parent, meaning whoever has the child more nights, gets the claim.8Internal Revenue Service. Divorced and Separated Parents You can negotiate a different arrangement. The custodial parent can sign IRS Form 8332, which releases the child tax credit and dependency exemption to the other parent for specific years. Some couples alternate years; others assign different children to different parents.
What you cannot shift by agreement: head of household filing status, the earned income tax credit, and the dependent care credit all stay with the custodial parent regardless of any Form 8332.8Internal Revenue Service. Divorced and Separated Parents Make sure the agreement names who claims each child and in which years, and that the custodial parent actually signs Form 8332. A mediation agreement by itself does not override IRS rules.
Ask for Specificity So the Agreement Holds Up
Once terms are set, the mediator or an attorney drafts a Marital Settlement Agreement. Have independent counsel review it before you sign. A lawyer reviewing a finished agreement costs far less than a lawyer litigating a flawed one. After both parties sign, the agreement goes to the court, and a judge incorporates it into the final decree, which turns every provision into a court order.
This is where loose language fails. “The parents will share holidays” is unenforceable. “Mother has the children from 9 a.m. December 24 through 9 a.m. December 26 in even-numbered years” is enforceable. If your ex later ignores the order, specificity is what lets a court hold them in contempt and impose fines, makeup time, or attorney’s fees. Vague provisions give the non-compliant party an easy defense.
Keep in mind what you can and cannot revisit later. Most courts allow modifications to child support, custody, and sometimes alimony on a substantial change in circumstances, such as job loss, serious illness, or a significant income shift. Property division is almost always final once the decree is entered. You cannot reopen who got the house three years later because you changed your mind. Ask for what you need the first time.